Making it through the Weekend

I hope everyone enjoyed the weekend. The weather here is Chicago was beautiful! Saturday I joined my friend Chris and her friend for a bike ride at a local forest preserve. We did 7 miles in about an hour. This was the most I have done on my bike since breaking my wrist. I was pretty proud at myself for holding a 12 mph pace the whole time but I was pushing through a lot of pain towards the end. My wrist was killing me and it hurt most of the day afterwards. BUT my OT will tell you I am one tough cookie. Pain is part of my every day life now and because I broke my wrist at the joint; I will be on arthritis medication for the rest of my life but I am not going to let that stop me!

One thing I have learned through my recovery is you have to push through the pain. This can be applied to a lot of things especially pushing through the temptations. Yesterday, was a hard day. I am not sure why but I wanted to snack and I knew I was not hungry. I had to push through it reminding myself that there is nothing that tastes better than wearing my size 8 pants again.

If you are a snacker like me. Here are some snacks I always have on hand...

• Smart Pop (1 pt per cup) - This is the best commercially prepared popcorn on the market!!!!
• Bananas (0 pts)
• Frozen Grapes (0 pts)
• Cherries (0 pts)
• Oranges (0 pts)
• Herbalife Shakes (3 pts per shake)
• Apples (0 pts)
• Little Peppers (0 pts) - I have to fight my daughter for these. :)
• Any seasonal cut up veggies
• Beef Jerky (2-3 pts depending on brand but watch the salt!)

Happy and Healthy Eating!

Dawn

Found it!

I recently read in one of my Weight Watchers Weekly's that you should find a workout that you love. They said that you should not be looking at the clock and it should be something that you look forward to and miss if for some reason you cannot do it. I found this quite interesting because I couldn't really think of anything that I love doing other than riding my bike. This is the one thing that I could not wait to get back to after breaking my wrist.

But this morning I found something else to add to my list. ZUMBA! Ok, I have done Zumba before and it was fun. BUT I was not thrilled of dancing in front of other people because I stink at it. My embarrassment has kept me out of the Zumba classroom. So last week, I decided to invest in the Zumba DVD's and I am glad I did! I have now found a workout I love. I can do it right in my living room and I don't even have to leave my house! In fact, I cannot wait to go home and pop in my 20 Rush DVD when I get home.


So what's your favorite workout?

Back in the Chair

Last night was my first time back in the chair since I broke my wrist. It was with mixed emotions. I was happy to see my old leader and I was greeted with a big hug. I really missed that! She is a great motivating person who always takes the time to help you through those rough patches. I wouldn't want to be in the chair with anyone else. But it was very embarrassing returning 40 lbs heavier than I last time I saw her. However, she reminded me that we have all been there and if I did it once I can do it again.

I am feeling empowered that I am tracking everything that I eat. I will admit, I hate doing it. It is a tedious task...I don't know why I feel that way. But I know it works and that is the only way I will ever get to where I want to be. So let's do this...

It has been a while...

Wow it has been a while since I have written in my blog. Lately, I feel like I have let a lot of people down including myself; but I remembered one line from my blog "day to day struggles of finding my thinself." I have to admit that this year has been a struggle. Since January, I have gained approximately 40 lbs. Teetering on the line of onederland and struggling to stay on that lower side of the fence.

So what happened? Well, the first part of the year I was struggling with stressed induced hives. My son was recently diagnosed with ADHD and struggling in school, I was stressed about work, school and my other activities that I was engaged in. I was just way overwhelmed and my body was telling me so. For almost a month I was on steroids to help suppress my symptoms. I began to eat massive amounts of food to comfort myself. In fact, at one point my son said to me "Mom what is wrong with you?" He knew that the quantity of food I was eating was not me. Well, my clothes started to not fit.

To get back on the exercise bandwagon, my son just learned how to Rollerblade. One day after a birthday party the kids and I went to Play it Again Sports. I figured if I was going to get my son a pair of blades (he was wearing mine) I might as well get myself a "new" pair. Why not, right? A few hours later, while skating with the kids I fell and I fell hard. I broke my radius bone and dislocated my hand. It required surgery and I had a plate, 10 screws and a pin to hold everything together. Almost three months later, I am still in Occupational Therapy three times a week. I have gained a total of 20 lbs since breaking my wrist bringing my total gain to 40. :(

However, now that I shared all that with you...I have good news. After, watching a friends YouTube video and seeing and hearing her excitement about her weight loss, toning and healthy eating, it reminded me about how excited I was when I first started this blog. I went right online and looked at meeting times for WW. In doing so, I found out that my favorite leader has not one but two after work meetings in Park Ridge. Starting next week (Monday), I am back in the chair. Starting today, I am tracking every bites, licks and tastes. All I have to say is I am back and I am going all the way this time!!!!

Happy and Healthy Eating,

Dawnie

Diary of a Reformed Meat Eater

So people have asked me "Dawn when did you become vegetarian?" Well here is the low down...

I have always felt that eating meat was wrong. How could I love animals and still eat them? But like many I was addicted to meat. I felt that I "needed" meat. I needed it for the protein...I needed it for the iron. Several months ago I did a detox and I was told not to eat meat during this time. I thought "Ok, I can do this. I gave up meat for Lent a couple of years ago, so 30 days is no problem." It was during this time, I realized I felt better. I no longer craved massive amounts of sugar and my energy levels were much higher. Better yet, I started to lose weight. I felt great!

If you are a loyal reader of this blog you know that in January 2009, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). This is caused by a hormone imbalance. It is a known fact that our meat is pumped up on hormones. When we eat this meat we are also ingesting the hormones that were given to the animal to "pump them up". Doctors have already raised their concern that these hormones are causing young girls to hit puberty at an earlier age. Since I have given up eating meat I have not had any new cysts and I have been pain free. Just for the record...I do not take any medicine to control my PCOS.

Now don't get me wrong there are times when I walk out the door and there is a smell of grilled steak wafting in the air and my mouth waters. Being a reformed meat eater does not mean that I don't remember the taste of meat that has been grilled to perfection. But I know that my healthy food choices has cut my risk for certain cancers in half. These are just a few reasons why this girl is a reformed meat eater...

Until next time...Happy and Healthy Eating!

Meatless Monday

Hey blog readers...I'm back!!! My husband reminded me last week that I have been neglecting my blog readers of my trials and struggles. So just to let you all know I am back and I am on track!

Did you know that today is Meatless Monday? Today, is the day that everyone is challenge to give up meat for one day. For some this may seem unthinkable and for others this may be less of a challenge. Here are my thoughts...it is always good to change up your diet every once and while. Going one day without meat is not going to kill you and you may even find that you like it.

Recently, I have done a lot of reading about the Western diet. I feel that some where we have gotten all out of control with our diets. If we think back long ago when people lived on farms or hunted for their own food, meat was a luxury item. You could not go into the store and buy a couple of pounds of meat. They had to go out and hunt for it or you had to raise and kill it yourself. The fact of the matter is our bodies are not made to ingest the large amount of meat we are putting in to it! This is why cancer is on  the rise as well as heart disease but that is a whole other blog. :)

Today, I challenge you all to give them a break and go meatless. If you accept my challenge, I would love to hear about it. Until next time...Happy and Healthy Eating!

Eating on a Budget

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that eating healthy is expensive. Usually, when people tell me this I ask them where are they buying their groceries. If you purchase groceries at major grocery chains you are probably over paying for your fresh fruits and veggies. Here in the Chicago area we have stores like Mariano's, Garden Fresh and Caputo's. They usually have a nice selections of fresh fruits and veggies that are much lower in price than major retailers. I also like to buy frozen bag of fruits and veggies when they are on sale. They are helpful to have on hand for quick meals and soups. Many times stores will have them on sale for 99 cents. They are way better for you than canned vegetables.

Buy fresh fruits and vegetables that are on sale. For example, there are plenty of times when blueberries and strawberries are on sale. Buy them and freeze the extras.

I also suggest trying some of these healthy recipes that are $3 or less per person. You can feed your family well while on a budget.

Eating healthy does not have to break the bank. You just have to be smart!

Dawn's Hefty Meatloaf

People always ask me to share recipes. My family loves meat loaf and I made this up one night. I supplemented steal cut oatmeal because 1. I can't figure out how to cook them properly and 2. I didn't have any bread crumbs. What I found is the oatmeal makes it more dense and fills you up so you do not need a huge portion to be satisfied. 


Dawn's Hefty Meatloaf


1 lb of Lean Ground Turkey* 
1 Packet of Lipton Onion Soup Mix
1/2 cup of Instant Steel Cut Oatmeal


Bake in the oven at 400 degrees for 40 minutes or until it reaches 190 degrees. Yields 6 servings at 3 points plus each.


*Always check because some ground turkey is not 100% white meat and will cost you more points. I use Jennie-O because I know they use 100% white meat.

Here's to 2 Years!

For those of you who have been following my journey...it began two years ago today (1/24/09). It is amazing what I have accomplished, conquered and learned over the last two years. If you would have told me several years ago that I would lose 80 lbs and be an inspiration to others to do the same, I would have laughed and said surely not me. However, I could have not done it without my faith in the Lord and the love and support of the people around me. They all believed in me even when I did not believe in myself. The Lord gave me strength when I really wanted to give in to temptation.

Losing weight has been an overall positive experience in my life and it has helped me to find the person whom God always wanted me to be. I was reminded of this on Sunday when my pastor said that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. It was that exact statement that I heard in health class shortly after I started classes at Trinity. It got me thinking...if my body is a temple and I am mistreating it...how am I suppose to do the work that God has called me to do?

I would love to say that this was an easy journey...but it wasn't. Yes, the first few months I dropped weight every week and to some it may have looked easy. But I worked hard and I had to discipline myself and my eating habits. I had to say no even when I really wanted to say yes. I still struggle with saying no and I know I always will.

After losing my job back in August it brought new challenges to my life. I gained 13 lbs but I refuse to allow myself to gain anymore. I did not keep any "fat" clothes and there is no way I am buying new ones. This new challenges comes from being home every day and not being limited to only a certain amount of food. It has been a learning curve for me but I am back on track and I am faithful that I will be at my goal of 155 lbs by May. I know I can do it because I have all of you behind me! :)

Again, thank you for your love and support!!! I could not have gone this far without you!

This was the last photo of "Fat Dawn". It was taken two weeks before I joined Weight Watchers.

My Gifts from God

My kids have been one of the biggest cheerleaders in my weight loss and I give my success to the Lord. Today I give glory to them and my heavenly father. God has given me the strength to overcome a lot of obstacles in my life. He has been the rock in my life over the last few months, that have been a little more challenging that usual. I really felt God's blessing through both of my children this weekend.

Saturday, Hunter and Maddie started their first bowling league. Hunter was placed on a team with not one but two people with developmental disabilities. One of the girls is 27 and her mom refers to her as a 27 year old trapped in a 10 year old's body. Since the Hunter and Maddie were small, I have always told them that God makes everyone different. I was proud of Hunter who did not even think twice that both of these people were much different than him. He even helped this young women with her ball when she was struggling to lift it out of the ball return. I felt like a very proud parent.


Today, I was equally blessed as we exited 55 on the way to my parent's house. It is not unusual to sight to see a homeless person out on the corner. Today, was no exception. There was a man standing there holding the sign that he was homeless and hungry. I usually give them a dollar or hand them some sort of food in my car but I had nothing. I know what most of you are thinking "He is just going to go out and buy drug or booze." or "He probably has money and he is just pretending to be homeless." However, it is not our place to judge. God knows our intention when giving generously to others and what the person does with the money is their issue with God. At the moment when I am feeling bad I have nothing to give this poor man, Maddie pipes up because she read his sign and says "Aw, that man is homeless. God bless Him!" I did not feel bad anymore because it became a moment when we could pray God's blessing over this man.

There are times when I wonder if my kids are absorbing anything from AWANA's and Sunday School. Or if my Christian values are rubbing off on them. Well...I think God answered that question. I have two pretty awesome kids...who sometimes have off days. :)

A Year in Review

Wow, 2010 where did you go? Occasionally, I like to interrupt my diet blog for just some general thoughts...this is one of them.

Looking at the year in review it started off not that bad but I guess everything was saved up for the end. The highlight of the year came in July, when my husband and I renewed our wedding vows. It was a great celebration with friends and family.

In August, I lost my job shortly after my three year anniversary. That was a challenge in itself. However, God has been good and always provides for us when we need it most. He knows our needs and always meets them for us. I am still actively seeking work and I have a few things in the works. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those things that falls on God's time and not my own.

The end of the year brought challenging issues. Again, God has been good to me. He has shown me who my real friends are and they have been a great sense of support for me over the last few weeks. These friends have lifted me up in prayer when I have felt like I could not go on any further. It really brought true meaning of Moses in the book of Exodus. If by chance any of you are reading this...I just want to say I love each and every one of you with all of my heart and you mean the world to me. Thank you so much for being there for me and just listening.

My wish for the new year is that relationships that need to be mended will find healing and the Lord. That I will continue to grow spiritually and remain focus in my studies. Lastly, that I will make WW lifetime sooner, than later. The word that I am going to focus on this year is humble. (I heard this on Klove this morning and though what an awesome idea.)

Happy New Year my friends!!!

Supersize Me Part 1 - Uric Acid

One of the interested facts I took away from the movie Supersize Me, was that after two weeks on the fast food diet the doctor's warned him about his uric acid levels. I decided to take a look at the long term effects.

First, high uric acid level (hyperuricemia) is an excessive concentration of uric acid in your blood. Uric acid is waste produced during the breakdown of purine, a substance found in many foods. Uric acid normally is carried in your blood, passes through your kidneys and is eliminated in urine. A high uric acid level may not cause problems. However, some people develop gout, kidney stones or kidney failure due to high uric acid levels. A high uric acid level may appear prior to the development of high blood pressure, heart disease or chronic kidney disease. OUCH! However, it's often unclear whether a high uric acid level is a direct cause or merely an early warning sign of these conditions.

The number one cause of high uric acid levels....Obesity! Obesity increases the likelihood of developing gout. It is a known fact that food is fuel for our bodies but many of us (including myself) use food for pleasure and comfort. However, when we over indulge in high caloric items such as fast food and sweets, are bodies are unable to process it correctly. God did not develop our bodies to consume massive amounts of fast food and processed foods. We have become a society of quick and easy...therefore fast food sells. High uric acid levels is just one of the bodies warning signs that our bodies are crying out for help.

Halloween Candy Point Value

Tomorrow marks one of the largest candy days of the year. For all of us Weight Watchers people it is the kick off to the year end eating holidays. But how do we survive? Well it is by arming ourselves with point values. So here it is the point values to all of that candy that will be coming into your house tomorrow.

Candy Item/Size/Point Value
3 Musketeers, 2 fun size bars 3 1/2


1000 Grand, 2 mini bars 4 1/2

Abazaba, mini, Each 1

ABC Fruit Chomps, 7 pieces 3

ANDES Creme de Menth Thin Mint , 8 pieces 5 1/2

Animal Crackers, 11 crackers 3

Almond Joy, 2 snack size bars 4

America1s Original Bubble Gum, 4 pieces 1 1/2

Atomic Fireballs, Each 1

Baby Ruth, 2 fun size bars 4

Big Hunk, mini, Each 1

Bit-O-Honey, 6 pieces 4

Blow Pops, Each 1.5

Bubble Gum, super, 2 pieces 1

Butterfinger, 2 fun size bars 4

Butternut Mini Bar, .75 oz 2

Candy Corn, 22 pieces 3

Caramello, 2 snack size bars 4

Crispy Caramel Fudge Bar, snack size, Each bar 2

Caramel & Peanut Butter Crispy Bars, snack size, 2

Chocolate Toffee Crisp Bar, snack size, Each bar, 2

Crunchy Peanut Butter Bar, snack size, Each bar, 2

Double Bubble Gum, 2 pieces 1

Heath Bar, 5 snack size bars 6

Hershey's Bar (plain), 2 snack size bars 5

Hershey's (almonds), 2 snack size bars 5

Hershey Kisses, 8 pieces 5

Hershey Kisses or Hugs, 3 pieces 2

Hershey Miniatures, 5 pieces 5

Hershey Tastations (any flavor), 3 pieces 1

Hershey Sweet Escapes 2

Hi C Juice Fillers, bag (5 candies) 2

Hot Tamales, Each snack box 1

Jolly Rancher, 3 pieces 1

Jolly Rancher Mini Stix, Each 1

Kit Kat, 3 (2 pc) snack bars 6

Kit Kat, Each mini 2

Lemonheads, Each box 2

Life Saver Five Flavor Candy, 4 1.5

Life Saver Gummi Savers, 2 rolls 2.5

Life Saver Pops, Each 1

M & M (plain), Each fun size pack 2

M & M (peanut), Each fun size pack 2

M & M Crispy, Each pkg 5

Mars, 2 fun size bars 4

Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses, 6 pieces 3.5

Maynards Wine Gums, 1 roll (44 g), 3

Mike & Ikes, Each snack pkg 1

Milk Duds, 4 fun size boxes 4

Milky Way, 2 fun size bars 4

Milky Way Lite, minis, 5 pieces 3

Milky Way Lite, regular bar 3.5

Mounds, 2 snack size bars 4

Necco Wafers, Each roll 1

Nerds, Each box 1

Nestles PB Mallow, Each 3.5

Nestles Baby Ruth, Each 4.5

Nestle Crunch Fun Size, 4 bars 5

Now & Later, 3 mini bars 3

O'Henry, 2 fun size bars 5

Peter Pan Peanut Butter Cups, 4 pieces 6

Pumpkin Pop, Each sucker 1

Raisinettes, 3 snack size boxes 4

Red Hots, Each box 2

Reese's Crunchy Cookie Cups, 2 snacks 4

Reese's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups, 5 pieces 5

Reeses Peanut Butter Bites, 3 pkgs 5.5

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, 2 snack size 4

Reesesticks, 2 snack size 4

Skittles, small pack 3 pkgs 4

Skittles (regular), 2 packs 3

Smarties, 3 rolls 1

Smuckers Fruit Fillers, Each bag (5 candies) 2

Snackwells Nut Clusters, Each piece 1

Snickers, 2 fun size bars 4

Snickers, minis (4 pieces) or 2 fun size bars 4

Spree Candies, 8 pieces 1

Spree Twist, 2 rolls 1.5

Starburst, 3 fun size pkgs 4

Starburst Fruit Chews, 8 chews 3.5

Sugar Babies, 2 snack size pouches 4.5

Sugar Daddy Pops, 3 3.5

Sweethearts (Necco), Each (1 1/8 oz box) 2.5

Sweet Tarts, 2 rolls 1

Tootsie Hot Chocolate Pops, Each 1.5

Three Muskateers, 2 fun size 4

Tootsie Roll, 2 snack bars 2

Tootsie Roll Midgees, 6 pieces 3.5

Tootsie Roll Midgees - small, 11 pieces 2

Tootsie Roll Pop, Each pop 1

Triple Chocolate Wafer Bar, snack size, Each bar, 2

Twix, (mini size) Each 1

Twix, Each snack size bar 2

Twix, Regular Size, Each (2) pack 7

Twizzlers Pull-n-Peel Cherry Candy, 3 pieces 2.5

Twizzlers Strawbery Twists, 4 twists 2.5

Werther's Original, 3 pieces 1

Whoppers Malted Milk Balls, 2 snack size pouches 5

Wonka Nerds Gumballs, Each 1

Wonka Shock Tarts Gumball, Each 1

Wrigleys Chewing Gum, 5 pieces 1

York Peppermint Patties, 3 patties 3
 
Choose wisely and plan ahead! Pass out candy that is not a temptation to you. Place the bowl of candy out towards the end of the Trick or Treating. Hopefully, the last few kids will take it all. Donate your left over candy to a food pantry or local youth services. Plan for success!
 
Happy and Health Eating,
Dawn

Fall Favorites Part 2

I love pumpkin!!! It is one of my fall favorites. I was lucky enough to have a fellow Weight Watchers member share with me a pumpkin breakfast muffin recipe. I made a batch and the results are in...THEY ARE GREAT!!! The best part is you can grab them on the go. Even my picky eater son loves these muffins.

Here is the recipe:

Pumpkin Breakfast Muffins
1 - 14 oz Can of pumpkin
1 - Box of Cake Mix (Carrot Cake or Spice Cake is recommended)
1/2 c of Water
1 c of Bran Flakes

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix the water and pumpkin into the box of cake mix. Once it blended add in the Bran Flakes. Place batter into 12 cupcake pans with cupcake liners. Bake for about 30-35 minutes or until done. Serving Size: 1 Muffin @ 2 pts.

Please leave me a comment if you make these muffins. I would like to know what you think!

Happy and Healthy Eating,
Dawn

Fall Favorites

Fall is here! Here in Illinois we have been enjoying mildly warm temperatures but the cooler weather will be coming. Fall is a time for comfort foods such as hot soups and for me anything pumpkin. Soup is a really good to not only warm you up but fill you up. How many times do you enjoy a three to four course meal at home? I know, it does not happen at my house. However, when we go out and enjoy a cup of soup or a side salad we tend to eat less of our main course. So why not treat yourself to some hot soup when you come home from work! The soup will help fill you up so that you do not over eat when you finally sit down for dinner after a long day at work.

Today, I made a batch of zero point soup to have on hand. It is great to have when you are hungry but don't want to use a lot of points. I find cooler temperature make me want to eat more. Having a cup of Garden Vegetable soup not only helps me to get in my veggies for the day but also fills me up. I modified my soup by adding some leftover tofu and by using collar greens instead of cabbage. ***Please note that tofu does add points to the value.*** You can modify the recipe by adding any zero point veggies without modifying the point range.

Here is the recipe for the zero point version in case you need it:

Garden Vegetable Soup
2/3 c diced carrots
1/2 c diced onions
2 garlic cloves
3 c of fat-free broth (beef, chicken or vegetable)
1 1/2 c chopped green cabbage
1/2 c green beans
1 tbsp tomato paste
1/2 tsp of dried basil
1/4 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 c chopped zucchini

Spray a large sauce pan with nonstick cooking spray, heat. Saute the carrots, onion, and garlic over low heat until softened, about 5 minutes. Add all of the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer covered about 15 minutes or until beans are tender. Makes 4 Servings.

Tomorrow, look for the recipe for Pumpkin Breakfast muffins. My other fall favorite!!! :)

Happy and Healthy Eating,
Dawn

Recommitting...Again

Like anything losing weight and maintaining weight is not an easy task. Almost a month ago I lost my and my mother instantly thought that I would I would gain back all of the weight I lost. Well I only gained 1 lb. However, I gained 5 lbs prior to losing my job. Why? Well, my meeting was shut down that I attended during my lunch hour. I found my old leader at another location on Saturdays but a few weeks after joining that meeting I started class that meets every other Saturday. The Saturdays in between I have been busy with other things. I should have attended a meeting on another day but I didn't and was weighing in once a month.

Weighing in only once a month was an eye opening experience for me. I felt like a thread that was slowly unraveling. The more time I put in between meetings the more I would just eat whatever I wanted to eat. I had lost my focus and the weight was slowly creeping back up. I knew I needed to do something sooner than later.

Today I went to Weight Watchers. I rededicated myself to the program. As I was sitting in the chair I felt like the leader was talking to me. She shared about how important it was for her to attend meetings. The whole experience felt like when you are sitting in church and your pastor delievers a message, you think that he wrote it just for you because it relates to everything going on in your life at that moment. So I am rededicated and fired up to do this thing. 15 lbs to Goal!

Where did the struggle start? Part 5

A couple of years after my son was born I was having really bad headaches. I decided to get a referral to a doctor that specialized in headache medicine. Like all doctors he wanted me to have a series a blood tests. I got a call later the next day asking to come back in that they needed to redraw my blood. A few days later I got a call asking me to come back yet again for another blood test. This time I asked why they needed to draw blood from me again. I was told by the lab tech that I was being tested for Hepatitis. I held my emotions in and as soon as I got to the car I started crying. A million thoughts ran through my head of how I could have contracted or gotten Hepatitis.

I went back to the doctor a couple weeks later and he advised me I did not have hepatitis but that I needed to go see a gastroenterologist. I made the appointment and an ultrasound of my liver showed that I had Non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. All of the fat from the Big Macs and french fries were collecting in my liver and was causing it not to function properly. I was told that I needed to lose weight or I could suffer from serious liver damage. I joined an at work Weight Watchers with my coworkers. I believe this was my first round of Weight Watchers. Well I did not stay with it long and I went back to my old ways. I suffered with negative emotional states and interpersonal conflict. Not to mention my motivation was very low. I loved food and there was no way I was going to give it.

My negative emotional states were affecting my marriage, my work and relationship with friends and family. I was a very unhappy that some times I don't even know why I was unhappy. It seems like I was always having some sort of fight with my husband. I continued to find comfort in my food. We would fight and I would go to the store and sit in my car and eat an entire tube of cookie dough. Eating always was and continued to be my way of coping with negative emotions. I would eat and fall into a more depressed state. This was my battle for several more years.

To Be Continued...

Where did the struggle start? Part 4

I remember that day that I found out I was pregnant. I had just eaten lunch and became sick at work. I went home and that night took a pregnancy test at my best friend's house and then I took another. Then I came home to another one sitting on the back of the toilet. Apparently, my mother had her "feelings" but I am sure there was some snooping going on.

Being pregnant was great! It gave me the license to eat because I was "eating for two" or so I thought. I feasted on McDonald's Big Macs and ice cream every day. I was gaining so much weight in between doctor visits that the doctor had begun lecturing me. They told that I was gaining too much weight and they advised me to see a nutritionist. Forget that! For that time on I made sure that I never made an appointment with that doctor again.

I did not let the doctor discourage me from my eating. Anamite's mom worked at Mrs. Fields and she would always bring stuff home. There was this one night that I found a bag of peanut butter dream bars. (For those of you doing Weight Watchers is it 35 points for 1 bar.) I ate the entire bag. I remember this day all too well because when she came home she wanted to know what happened to her bars. That was not the first time I heard that question.

That summer Anamite and I were married. I remember buying my dress a week before the wedding and it almost did not fit the day of. I continued to grow bigger and bigger. I got so big that when I went to my doctor's appointments I stopped looking at the scale. I gained around 80-100 lbs during my pregnancy. I remember the scale being around 260-280 lbs by my 9 month. My co-workers kept telling me that they have never seen a person get pregnant from head to toe. But it came with a cost. My legs swelled up and I was having trouble with high blood pressure. That December our son was born. He weighed 10 lbs 2 oz. He was born with a dislocated shoulder and low blood sugar. He is now my junk food junkie. I often wonder if there was a connection between all the junk I ate and his love for junk food.

Now I was a mom and a wife who continued to hate herself.

To Be Continued...

Where did the struggle start? Part 3

Leaving High School was another major transition in my life. I did not keep in touch with very many of my friends. But I did not want to go away to college because the unknown scared me. I ended up taking classes at Joliet Junior College and decided that maybe I could start my life over. Maybe with a different crowd people would judge me less. That summer after taking a mandatory summer class for LD students, I made a new friend. She introduced me to her boss and helped me to get a job at Fashion Bug. I worked hard and eventually moved up to an Assistant Manager type roll. I was trained to close the store and open the store and drop the nightly deposits. It felt good to have such a great responsibility at a young age. I also found I enjoyed having my own money because it gave me freedom to buy what I wanted and to dine out. It was nothing to me to hit the Burger King Drive Thru get a whopper, fries, coke and Hersey pie. Only to get a shake a few hours later when I got off work. Though I was doing somewhat well something was still missing.

So I decided it was time to start dating. Because I had no self-confidence there was no way I would ever approach a guy, so I started talking to people on the internet. During this time I did some insanely crazy things. The song by Waylon Jennings comes to mind Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places. It was during this time that my mom actually showed concerned about me. My life had spun all out of control and I was 19 dating a 35 year old. However, like everything else in my life it did not last long. I again fell into depression that I was unlikeable and would never have anyone to love me.

It was a few short months after that when I met Anamite. I remember that day very well because I had just gotten out of the hospital. It did not take long for me to find out he loved food as much as I did. This was of course was heaven for me. We lived an hour apart so we would take turns staying at each other's house. But I was struggling with my morals, school and life in general. A few months later we were engaged and I dropped out of school and we moved in together. I thought that love was the answer to my void but I was wrong. Our relationship was strained and a lot of my immaturity and insecurities were to blame. How could I love and care for someone else when I didn't even know how to love myself?

A few months later, after a night out with pizza, I woke up at 4 AM with horrible pain. I could not breath and I felt like I was having a heart attack. I arrived at the hospital shortly after 5 AM via ambulance. I was scared. My family was far away, Anamite was at work and I had just been taken to a hospital and I had no clue where. It did not take them long to figure out that I needed to have my gall bladder taken out. Since I was no longer in pain they sent me home and I was to call a surgeon. Because of the hurt that I caused someone very close to me I was left at the hospital for several hours after they told me to go home. I did not know what to do. I was scared, very hurt and again feeling very unloved so I turned to food.

Two months later the wedding was canceled and I moved back home. Because I hated myself so much, I took a lot of my unresolved emotions out on Anamite. Looking back I think that I just treated him the way my mother had always treated me. The first few months of my life after moving home was a nightmare. Most days I sat in my room staring blankly at the wall.  Again, I felt that God had failed me again. I felt unloved, alone and that nothing in my life would ever go right. I fell into a bad depression and one day my dad came to me and said he would move all my stuff back to Palatine if it would make me happy again. But I knew that this would not make me happy because I had this big aching hole. This is when I decided that I needed to lose weight because then maybe I could find love. I started taking Fen-Chi a Chinese herbal supplement that helps block fat. This way I could "eat what I want but still lose weight". Now that is my kind of diet!!! I did lose a considerable amount of weight (about 50 lbs). I decided to start dating again. During that time my mission was to hurt as many guys as I could. Why? Well hurting people hurt other people. Right after my 21st birthday, Anamite and I decided to try our relationship again.

That spring I found out we were expecting a baby.

To Be Continued...

Disclaimer

Dear Readers,

Before I continue on I would like everyone to know that this blog series is a collection of my thoughts. Food addiction and eating disorders are a serious matter and should not be taken lightly. Addiction of any kind is a life long battle. That is why I created this blog to help me stay true to myself and give others the opportunity to know that they are not alone.

It has taken me many years to come to terms with a lot of things in my life. Bringing them into the light has helped me to heal. I ask that if you are reading this series to keep an open mind and heart. Nothing in this blog is written with the intention to hurt anybody else. I know that I have hurt many people over the years. I hope that if you are one of them, you can read understand that I was a very hurting person but that no longer reflects who I am today.

Blessings,
Dawn