Looking back I can't really remember when exactly food became the love in my life. I can remember being about 8 years old and in Cub Foods with my mom. We were in the bakery area of the store and I saw this wonderful looking pastry. I asked my mom if I could have it. She told me no. I remember saying to myself that one day when I was all grown up and on my own I would buy all I could and eat them.
My sister moved out when she was 18. My mom loved to bake and cook. She would spend the day making wonderful bread, cookies and candies. During the holidays she would make fudge and all kinds of creations and store them in the room that once was my sister's. I would sneak in there every time my mom would go outside and take what I could and eat it. Sometimes I would hide them in my room until later. At night when my parent's thought I was in bed I would sneak into the kitchen and see what I could find. Sneaking food became my high. As I got a little older my friend and I would sneak over to the mall. I was not allowed to go to the mall but as long as my parents did not know I was fine. My friend taught me the art of stealing candy. This was even better because then my mom would not question me as to why food was disappearing.
When I was in fifth grade I learned what dieting was. My mother said I was getting too fat and I looked horrible. She decided I needed to go on a diet and drink Slim Fast Shakes. I remember drinking the shake and going to school starving. I would sit at lunch and drool over the fact that other kids got twinkies and SuzyQ's. After school I would head over to a friend's house and hoped that they would offer me some sort of snacks.
When I hit puberty kids started making fun of me. My complexion was horrible. Looking back I am sure what I ate was not helping. Not only was I dealing with the emotions of my morphing body, I was dealing with all the weight I was packing on. The older I got the more I turned to food. It became my comforter. When I was bored, depressed, upset or mad I ate. I was happy as long as I was eating. Little did I know that my binge for sugary sweets was adding fuel to my depression. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, so I tried not to care. I didn't care about myself or if I was hurting others with my bad behavior. All I cared about is when I was going to eat again. Nothing was filling the void of my hurt and pain, so why not medicate myself with food. At this point in my life God was not an option. I was mad at God for not hearing my prayers as I cried out as a young child and I was mad at God for taking my brother. I did not need God because I had to be in control. I had friends who invited me to youth group and church. I would go but nobody was changing me. In my heart, God did not love me because He allowed all the pain in my life.
I don't remember how high rapidly my weight grew. I do remember I started packing on the pounds after about 2nd grade. I went from a skinny little twig to an overweight 5th grader in no time. I do remember when driver's ed rolled around. The teacher asked us for our height and weight for our learner's permit application and of course I lied. I remember telling the teacher I weighed 190 when I really weight 210. I maintained that weight around 210-220 for most of high school.
To Be Continued...
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