Leaving High School was another major transition in my life. I did not keep in touch with very many of my friends. But I did not want to go away to college because the unknown scared me. I ended up taking classes at Joliet Junior College and decided that maybe I could start my life over. Maybe with a different crowd people would judge me less. That summer after taking a mandatory summer class for LD students, I made a new friend. She introduced me to her boss and helped me to get a job at Fashion Bug. I worked hard and eventually moved up to an Assistant Manager type roll. I was trained to close the store and open the store and drop the nightly deposits. It felt good to have such a great responsibility at a young age. I also found I enjoyed having my own money because it gave me freedom to buy what I wanted and to dine out. It was nothing to me to hit the Burger King Drive Thru get a whopper, fries, coke and Hersey pie. Only to get a shake a few hours later when I got off work. Though I was doing somewhat well something was still missing.
So I decided it was time to start dating. Because I had no self-confidence there was no way I would ever approach a guy, so I started talking to people on the internet. During this time I did some insanely crazy things. The song by Waylon Jennings comes to mind Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places. It was during this time that my mom actually showed concerned about me. My life had spun all out of control and I was 19 dating a 35 year old. However, like everything else in my life it did not last long. I again fell into depression that I was unlikeable and would never have anyone to love me.
It was a few short months after that when I met Anamite. I remember that day very well because I had just gotten out of the hospital. It did not take long for me to find out he loved food as much as I did. This was of course was heaven for me. We lived an hour apart so we would take turns staying at each other's house. But I was struggling with my morals, school and life in general. A few months later we were engaged and I dropped out of school and we moved in together. I thought that love was the answer to my void but I was wrong. Our relationship was strained and a lot of my immaturity and insecurities were to blame. How could I love and care for someone else when I didn't even know how to love myself?
A few months later, after a night out with pizza, I woke up at 4 AM with horrible pain. I could not breath and I felt like I was having a heart attack. I arrived at the hospital shortly after 5 AM via ambulance. I was scared. My family was far away, Anamite was at work and I had just been taken to a hospital and I had no clue where. It did not take them long to figure out that I needed to have my gall bladder taken out. Since I was no longer in pain they sent me home and I was to call a surgeon. Because of the hurt that I caused someone very close to me I was left at the hospital for several hours after they told me to go home. I did not know what to do. I was scared, very hurt and again feeling very unloved so I turned to food.
Two months later the wedding was canceled and I moved back home. Because I hated myself so much, I took a lot of my unresolved emotions out on Anamite. Looking back I think that I just treated him the way my mother had always treated me. The first few months of my life after moving home was a nightmare. Most days I sat in my room staring blankly at the wall. Again, I felt that God had failed me again. I felt unloved, alone and that nothing in my life would ever go right. I fell into a bad depression and one day my dad came to me and said he would move all my stuff back to Palatine if it would make me happy again. But I knew that this would not make me happy because I had this big aching hole. This is when I decided that I needed to lose weight because then maybe I could find love. I started taking Fen-Chi a Chinese herbal supplement that helps block fat. This way I could "eat what I want but still lose weight". Now that is my kind of diet!!! I did lose a considerable amount of weight (about 50 lbs). I decided to start dating again. During that time my mission was to hurt as many guys as I could. Why? Well hurting people hurt other people. Right after my 21st birthday, Anamite and I decided to try our relationship again.
That spring I found out we were expecting a baby.
To Be Continued...
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